I want to say that when Matt hired me back, I was not given the impression that we were to contribute over three posts a month...

WHEW!!! Was I wrong!  Mr. Schram came down on me hard. I was brought into the office at 8:00 am, and it was just...it was just brutal. But, a well-deserved critique on my shortcomings as a writer AND a husband, apparently. I don't know how the meeting went with Witmer, but let's assume it was worse?

So, to half-ass the quota that's been assigned to me, I'm going to rip off a video Matt sent me and critique it. This will be followed in the next few days with the next "What the F##% is Wrong with You?".

The Video

Chicago "Look Away"

As a caveat to this post, I do not like Chicago- when I was 12 in 1988 they made me reminded me of my parents. That was where they were at on the cool spectrum to me in the music world.  I don't think that would change my analysis of this music video, but I wanted to point that out.

This video is so 80s it's like watching a scene from "American Psycho", where this is playing in the background. It's a spoof video made two years ago by Adam McKay, or an introductory skit on Jimmy Fallon to introduce Kevin Bacon or Josh Brolin. It's  too 80s to be 80s, but it was actually made in the 80s. And clearly, the director was an assistant DP on "Working Girl" or "Mannequin".

I also am assuming he went on to develop the story for "Pretty Woman".

Based on the lyrics, lame Don Johnson has been dumped by a lingerie model at the same time lingerie Model #2 dumps her sugar daddy CEO/mafia stereotype. They yell and scream at both of them, and Victoria's Secret #3 loses her haberdashery boxes,which leads straight to #4 blowing up a goddamn limo (I shall call her Patricia Bateman). #3 meets up with #5 to throw a watch away and spy on #6, and #7 carries flowers on a street and is them embarrassed when the wind catches her coat and reveals her garter, even though she was wearing only underwear the whole time. There's a 10-second clip of the band, which is the only time they appear in the video because this is art and it's not about the band. God, in 1988 they looked older than my dad. #8 walks in an elevator with a swimsuit on and then puts on power blazer, so  everything is fine

The Lame DJ is sad again, probably due to his 30 lb. rotary phone messing with his shoulder, and the video ends.

That would have been the pitch the director through the label, to which they did a line of coke off  #5's back and said "Let's do it!" and it probably cost $20,000 to make. God, the 80s  were so stupid. Wasn't this song about just a breakup? And just moving on? Instead the video is a sexist women's liberation statement about being yourself and not being defined by men as long as you;re also dressed in a fashion that would get you arrested today if you weren't performing on a stage.

This is why wishing you were in the 80s- assuming you're 50- makes you pathetic, misogynistic asshole. Or you're someone who actually is glad Fuller House exists for any reason other hate-watching.

To cleanse your eyes and remind you that the 1980s video scene should only be mocked, here's Robin Sparkles:

Please provide any suggestions of a quality 80s video that stands up to the test of time and taste...

See you in a few days. Go to Middle of the Map if you're in the KC area!